Being raised by a narcissist or having a close partner relationship with a narcissist can leave you foundering, bewildered and very very hurt. Now a popular term, navigating through a relationship with a parent or partner who is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies, is such a confusing maze that anyone of us struggles to see what is actually going on. Why am I not enough? Why have the normal thoughtfulnesses and gratitudes in life not been attributed to me by my parent or partner who supposedly love me?
A mother or father for whom you endeavoured to be good enough or to be a good, fair and generous daughter or son, leaves you unvalidated whether you do or do not fulfil their expectations and wishes for you. Years, maybe decades, of hard slog to achieve the exam results, career success, the financial income, the status, the happy family or whatever it is, that was held up as desirable, often does not deliver the ‘pay off’ off, of validation and approval that every child wants and needs.
There is a not ‘being seen-ness’ for the victim raised by narcissists, that is deeply wounding and can infect every part of life, such that it may even become impossible to have a simple phone conversation.
As Gabor Maté calls it, ‘attunement’ is missing. This is when the caregiver sees the baby or the child and tunes into the child’s emotional state. The parent might love but can not attune to the child, which leaves the child not seen or ‘appreciated for who they really are’. The child grows without validation of his or her emotional landscape, which often shows up in later life in a lack of self-worth and an over-investment in making it OK for others.
The person who is the narcissist or with narcissistic tendencies usually themselves has suffered early life injuries to their sense of self and we can keep that understanding safe. However, they have in turn, if they have not worked on themselves, inflicted heavy wounds on others. These wounds are often decades in duration and the pattern of being unseen, or as a victim of narcissistic rage, subject to the selfishness, and a projected feeling of existential failure and cruelty, just carries on. You suffer manipulation, lack of respect for boundaries, lack of empathy, an expectation that you will always be admiring them, and serving them. There is a long list of implications for the sufferer raised or partnered with a narcissist.
I have worked with many individuals to help them firstly, discern what is happening to them in narcissistic relationships and then, accompany them on their journey of reclaiming their personal power to make their own choices about how to engage.